


How I Used To Be

by JJ1564



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Big Brother Dean, Brotherly Love, Gen, Goodbyes, Mark of Cain, Sad Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:39:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6446839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ1564/pseuds/JJ1564
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set at the end of 10.14 - Dean decides to go away somewhere remote to avoid hurting Sam and others. <br/>Dean is saying goodbye to Sam, who's asleep, and recording it for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How I Used To Be

**Author's Note:**

> This is my sixth fic for fandomhits on LJ, based on Unwell by Matchbox Twenty - lyric vid here...
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StFfXP4eAgU
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, but they own, and frquently break, my heart!
> 
> Thanks to my Obi milly_gal for beta-ing for me and for always encouraging me.

I see how you look at me now, Sammy - like I’m some kinda powder keg about to explode, a ticking time-bomb. Like I’m one step away from jumping into the cuckoo’s nest. Like you don’t know who I am anymore, and you wish I was your big brother again, the one person you could always count on.

I don’t think I’ve been that person since I had to watch Gadreel use your hands to kill Kevin - his death is on me, I know that. Not a day goes by that I don’t see the poor kid’s slump to the floor, his eyes still smoking. And what was worse, if it could be any fucking worse, is that I should’ve warned Kevin. If he’d known it was Gadreel, not you, he might’ve been able to get away. You can’t count on me, Sammy, not any more. I know you’re frightened for me; hell, perhaps you’re frightened of me, ‘cause of the fucking Mark.

If I could turn back time, I’d say no to Cain in an instant. Fuck, if I could turn back time I’d have found a way to save you that didn’t involve a fucking robo-angel controlled by that smug son-of-a-bitch Metatron taking over your body. I know it’s fucking stupid to think like this – there’s so much I wish I’d done differently. I wish I could’ve taken the trials instead of you and closed the gates of hell; I’d go back right now if I could and give my life so you’d be okay, and Kevin would be alive. I know the world would be better if I wasn’t in it, ‘specially now I bear the fucking Mark of Cain.

Shit, I doubt I’m making a lick of sense here. Just as well you’re asleep – it’s a drunken sleep, too, so you won’t wake up for hours. And when you do you’ll groan, vowing never to drink again. Your face will be pale, with dark circles under your eyes and your stupidly long hair will be all messed up, half sticking up from your head and half falling over your face. You’re such a light-weight, Sammy, and such a cute drunk. And I know you’re gonna scowl at being called cute, but if the shoe fits...  
.  
You kept telling me before you passed out that you love me, that you’d do anything for me, that you’ll stand by me whatever happens, ‘cause you’re my brother. You said it didn’t matter to you that I’m kinda crazy right now; that it’s not my fault that I’m “impaired”. Trust you to use a word like impaired, like I’m a fucking bruised peach or something.

But you gotta know, Sammy, that it is my fault. You hurt me so bad when you said you wouldn’t have done the same to save me. It made me wonder about everything I’d done for you, perhaps it had all been for me ‘cause I’d always been weak and selfish. I went to a dark place, hating myself even more’n usual, so taking on The Mark seemed a good way of punishing myself for everything I’d done to you.

I hauled you outta Stanford, I got Jess killed, then I dragged you round the country looking for dad when you should’ve gone back to school. I sold my soul to save you, Sammy, I went to hell and back, and still had to watch you fall into the pit. There are four worst moments of my life, Sammy. Mom dying, dad dying, you dying in my arms at Cold Oak, and then watching you beat Lucifer so you could throw yourself with him into the Cage. You defeated the devil, Sammy, and I’m so fucking proud of you.

You should be a lawyer, Sammy, one of those Human Rights guys, standing up for the oppressed, the broken, the people that really need help. You’d be so great at that. Or you could be a big fancy-pants lawyer earning big bucks, with a flash office, some expensive piece of shit sports car, and a mansion in the suburbs, with a wife who’s a doctor or a lawyer, too. You could have a home, a garden for the dog you always wanted, perhaps a couple of rugrats. You could, no, fuck, you should have a normal life.

It’s still not too late for you. Go back to school, Sammy, and, hey, why doncha go and look up that feisty Sarah girl, or that sexy Doctor Cara? They were both smokin’ hot and for some reason liked you not me, no accounting for taste, I guess!

I know it’s too late for me; I don’t know where this Mark’s gonna take me but I know it’s nowhere good. I have to go, Sammy, get away from you. Cain said I’ll kill Crowley, then Castiel, and then you; he said it’s inevitable.

I can swear right here, right now that I’d never hurt you – or Cas. Crowley’s fair game in my book. I can feel the Mark taking hold of me, Sammy, and it fucking terrifies me. I’m not strong enough to fight it, so I need to go somewhere far away from you and Cas. I hear Alaska’s lovely this time of year - I could go be anchored down in Anchorage. Or perhaps I’ll go to Mexico, become a hired assassin with a cool nickname, like 'El Diablo'.

I thought about going to the Australian outback, becoming Crocodile Dun-dean, but I think the plane journey would definitely push me and The Mark over the edge. And they have huge fucking man-eating spiders out there, Sammy. So, Canada seems a more appealing destination – at least grizzly bears are easier to spot than spiders. Truth is, I don’t know where I’m gonna go, I just…I just need to be somewhere else, somewhere away from you, so you’ll be safe.

Fuck, perhaps I am going crazy, heading for that breakdown that’s been coming my way since hell. Any sane person would’ve gone mad after going to hell, so perhaps I was already crazy and hell made me saner. Is saner even a word? Shit, I gotta go soon, Sammy. This is so hard; it’s fucking ripping my heart out to leave you. I don’t want to; you have to know that. You know I’d never leave you if I had any other choice.

I hope I haven’t fucked up this recording. You were always better at the technical shit than me. And I’m sorry…so fucking sorry that I couldn’t say all this to your face. Well, I am saying it to your face, but I guess it doesn’t count as you’re drooling and snoring right now. Not a pretty sight, dude.

I wanna tell you, fuck, I have to tell you, I love you so much, Sammy, and I’m so proud of the man you've become. You’ve gotta carry on; don’t be sad, don’t worry about me, and don’t…please don’t look for me. Live your life how you were meant to, Sammy. Tell Cas to take that stick outta his ass and live a little, too.

I hope when you think of me, you think of how I used to be.

Your big brother.

Always your Dean.


End file.
